Coping (or not) with anxiety

Those of you that suffer with anxiety will understand. I’ve been dealing with it for, I’d say, 15 years maybe. I took Zoloft for 10 or 12 of those. I finally quit taking it because it wasn’t doing much and instead of increasing my dose or trying something different I decided I didn’t want to be dependent on something. I struggled with alcohol after my divorce years ago after being clean for 12 years. It was 2 years sober this past September, which I’m proud of and yes, that in itself helped my anxiety.

I know some of it stems from financial troubles, some from procrastination. Sometimes I worry about things in the future that I have no control of. Unfortunately I’m a worrier. Other times it just seems to come out of nowhere, I just go around with a heavy pressure in my chest. There are days I end up walking around aimlessly in my house knowing there’s things I need to do but I decide it will be better to just lay in bed.

It’s a horrible way to live sometimes. It’s not always like that though, if I’m very busy with work I generally (not always) don’t have those intense feelings. I know there are things that help, yesterday for example, I went on a hike with my 8 year old daughter. Nature in general helps tremendously, almost instantaneously when we step on the trail I get a feeling of calmness. I’m somehow able to leave those worries and focus on my beautiful daughter and how happy she is to be hiking with me. Hearing the birds, the wind through the trees and the sound of the river running beside us. One time in particular I felt as though the wind was pulling my worries out of me and could almost sense them being circulated through the air and then being refreshed as I breathed in fresh air. I can’t always go on a hike though so I just need a way to remember those feelings.

Music is also a big part of my life and as I’ve gotten a little older I find myself reminiscing of my younger days. Reliving those memories while listening to the soundtrack of my life. I can almost always listen to music, which I do.

Most of my anxiety is most likely self inflicted. As I said I procrastinate because the pressure to handle something at times is too much. As always when I take care of it I think to myself, why didn’t I do that much sooner. A lot of times it would have helped a situation.

I’m writing this now just to get these thoughts out. I could probably dive deeper into the ‘craziness’ which is my brain but as of now I’m just doing some “cleaning”by putting those feeling into words. I hear my daughter laughing in her room which just gave me a sweet, warm feeling. So now I must go and give her a hug and be happy I have such a wonderful child that loves me and looks up to me.

Thank you for reading. I’ll be back with some happy positive thoughts, maybe some funny stories to share of those embarrassing and awkward teenage years we all went through. Happy Sunday everyone!

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Where were you when…

Music has always been a big part of my life. I have my parents to thank for that, they had a great record collection and I remember my dad playing album after album. My mom was more into doo wop and my dad leaned a little more to the psychedelic side. I liked it all and as I grew older I started getting my own style. When I heard “jam on it” by newcleus that was it, I loved the beat and soon after I discovered U.T.F.O., Whodini, Run D.M.C. Etc. then I remember watching American bandstand and out comes this white rap group called The Beastie Boys. They did fight for your right and at that moment they became my favorite. My mom hated them. She threw that tape away several times! When I was 10th grade I started hanging out with some skater kids and started listening to punk/hardcore. I can’t tell you exactly what the first album was I heard because honestly it was a whirlwind. I do know Dead Kennedys was one of the first and I’m pretty sure it was the album frankenchrist. I remember where I was, school was dismissed early because it started snowing and my friend let me borrow his copy. I was still on the bus at the school when I put it in my Walkman. I rewound it, pushed play and when I heard the guitar on “soup is good food” I immediately loved it. Then Jello started singing, I had never heard anything like this! To this day I can evoke that same feeling sometimes when I play that album. It still reminds me of a cold snowy day. They were my favorite band for years after that. After that I couldn’t get enough of this music. I would read articles in thrasher magazines about bands or just look at album covers then go to the tape store. So much to buy! I can kill a couple hours in a record store no problem. I took chances on bands I didn’t know and mostly it worked. I really love hardcore so I started seeing how many songs were on the tape, then I would look at the tape to see how long it was. A lot of songs in 28 minutes?, ok I’m getting this. I don’t get that feeling as much now. I still discover new bands,composers, vocalists but the excitement is not as strong as it was then, or should I say it’s just different because I do enjoy finding a great band.That was my heyday and I’m okay with that. I hope to write more about my musical and artistic life journey, as any music lover knows there’s so many stops and passengers on the journey. I hope you enjoyed it, and bear with me as I’m tired and not a writer but hope to get better and entertain some of you with my thoughts. And please excuse the long run on paragraph! Maybe shouldn’t have wrote this before bed…